Craig Austin
From Wikipedia, the free Encyclopedia
Craig (known affectionately as “Cougar Bait” to his his many fans, who are in turn known as “doofosi”) has been racing his bike for well over a decade and despite the best efforts of his peers, steadfastly refuses to get any faster or fitter. This level of dedication is seldom seen in today's amateur athlete, and may be attributable to his upbringing (he was raised by a family of dugong farmers in southeast Cambodia).
During his illustrious career, Craig has experienced highs and lows of competition probably unequaled by anyone sitting in the same room as he is at this moment; from his first DNF at Kings Valley in 1999 to the time he nearly got a hotspot at PIR, he's done it all. Diehard cycling fans still remember with bitterness the 15 so-called “sportsmen” – and “sportswomen,” for that matter – who so selfishly worked together to keep Craig from hotspot glory that day, no doubt due to his breaking the “omerta” and reporting to the authorities some of the commonly used, but unethical, methods employed by unscrupulous riders to gain an advantage. These secret methods range from training during winter months (sometimes even in the rain!) to ingestion of dangerous and illicit supplements such as peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Some riders even resort to something called “training with power,” which, as far as he can tell, involves some sort of strange computerized tool that turns cyclists into inhuman cyborgs who feverishly monitor something called a “watt” and who go up hills faster than he can.
Despite the obstacles, Craig has recently been inspired by a number of well-publicized comebacks in sports (for example, George Foreman's return to competitive eating, and the humorous attempts by Brett Favre and Lance Armstrong to out-douche Tiger Woods). With these role models and a 50-pound bag of beets, Craig has big plans for 2011, so watt-ch out. |
